The Sneaky Pint: Almost There!

Posted on October 29, 2020 / by The Drunken Poet

As we emerge like butterflies from our cocoons this week, let’s take a second to reflect on everything we’ve been missing since this godforsaken pandemic decided to encroach on our lives. Of course, for most of you, this can be summarized in three words: The Drunken Poet. Its coming back people. Bottleshops can kiss your arse goodbye, because its time to place said arse on a barstool at the Poet. Forget about Netflix, its live music for you my friend. No more sitting on the couch drinking cans of beer as your soul slowly leaks away. Fluffy, frothy pints with beads of condensation rolling down the sides of the glass are sliding across the bar in your direction. Zoom chats be damned; you’re going face to bloody face! (Not too close mind!)
Now we don’t know when we’re going to get locked down again, but we know its going to happen. As sure as death, taxes and Covid -19. So that leaves any rational person, with onĺy one option. Make haste good peoples. Don’t spare the horses. No dilly dallying. Time is of the essence. Your arse has only one destination, only one place it needs to be. Call it a rendezvous with destiny. Prepare thyself for a sensorial onslaught. So much to experience and so little time! Like a babe learning to walk, it’ll be a tsunami of sights, smells and sounds. The Sneaky Pint wants you to enjoy this experience. To revel in the rustle of the Taytos bag, to shiver at the sound of the coins dropping into the jukebox, to feel the electricity as you watch a ring sail towards the Rings board and to float away on a wave of song. But here’s the thing, and while some of you may not want to admit it, the thought is looming there at the back of your feverishly excited brain; “What if its all too much?” And the possibility is real my bffs.
Picture this horror show. You finally get out of the house and into the company of others and it all goes horribly wrong. You’ve forgotten how to make conversation or all you’ve got is daily case numbers and Daniel Andrews quotes. Your dress sense now resembles a senior citizen, complete with cardigan and slippers. Distinctly audible flatulence, while quite acceptable in solitary confinement and possibly in the presence of loved ones, is just plain embarrassing when it explodes in public. And why does everyone look bigger than on zoom? Have they all put on weight (probably), or have they always looked like that and you just never noticed? Its rude to openly gawp at your friends and that’s a real possibility. Is it customary to give a standing ovation after every song played? You can’t bloody remember and now you’re doing it so as not to appear rude. Face it, this whole coming out of lockdown thing could be an absolute shit show. Never fear, The Sneaky Pint has your back!
The Sneaky Pint’s 10 Things To Remember When One Emerges As A Butterfly

1) Pack your mask. You’ve almost forgotten to take it with you twelve times this week and it’d be a major balls up if this was the day when you actually did forget.
2) Look in the mirror before leaving the house. Remember, that’s generally how its done. You’ve gone months without caring if your fly was up or not or whether that cheese sandwich you had for lunch was still stuck to your front teeth. Take it from me, the rest of us really care.
3) Take gold coins for the jukebox. This might seem like a mere detail, but you really want to get the drop on those other bozos and actually get to hear your songs, so come prepared.
4) Record yourself busting out some conversation starters and then play them back to yourself…..I know, they’re trash! Back to the drawing board buster.
5) Once you actually arrive at the Poet, try putting your phone away. I mean you’ve only spent 3-6 months looking at it solidly, so just see what else is going on.
6) Don’t mention the pandemic. People actually came here to have a GOOD TIME.
7) Remember to time your run to the toilet. Its not like being at home where you’re always first in line. This is a crucial one as your bladder will need retraining and it would be a real pity to end your butterfly emergence in a most unbutterfly way.
8) Tell everyone you’ve been on an experimental diet designed by rock stars. Sure, they’ll be thinking Elvis, but at least it sounds like you’re adventurous.
9) Don’t ask people what they’ve been up to, its the same as you dickhead and it may lead to a (yawn) conversation about what they’ve been watching on television. For the love of God!
10) Stay calm. Yeah fuck that! You’re free at last motherfucker! Go nuts, but in a Covid responsible way.