The Sneaky Pint: Selina’s slide in Time

Posted on August 22, 2019 / by The Drunken Poet

Selina O’Brien is a proud Irish Traveller. She loves travelling; it’s in her blood. The lifestyle of always being on the move, meeting new people and seeing new places is all she’d ever known and all she ever wished to know. So when her brother Jimmy and sister Mimi hatched a plan to go to Australia, well Selina was like, “Fuck it, yeah.” Not long after arriving in Melbourne, Selina got a job controlling traffic with a stop and go sign. It was pure easy and the money was grand. On her breaks, she took to sneaking off to The Drunken Poet for a toastie and a couple of swift pint bottles of Magners. She’d always throw a few tunes on the old jukebox to while away the time.

It was a Wednesday, she thinks, somewhere around the middle of June 2013. There was nothing out of the ordinary about the day, except the fact that it was pissing down and they’d been rained off for the day, which suited Selina just fine. The toastie was warming her up from the inside and besides one auld fella with a long bushy beard chatting away to the girl behind the bar, there wasn’t another sinner in the place. As she scrolled through the songs on the jukebox,  she came across a song she’d never heard before. The song code was 20-07. As she pushed the 7, the display on the jukebox started to go mental. Numbers started flashing up at mindblowing speed. “Ah this ting is bollocksed,” thought Selina and as she turned to yell out to the bartender the room started to twist like a reflection from Masey’s House of Mirrors back at the funfare at home. She tried to pull her finger off the button, but it was stuck fast and not only that, her hand was starting to disappear inside the jukebox. No fucking way! Was she having an acid flashback? Jaysus! Her insides were turning upside down and outside in and every particle of her being felt like it was being sucked through a straw. Coloured lights skewed her vision completely. It lasted about 5 minutes or was it 5 seconds? Things sped up and slowed down simultaneously and then she blinked.

Her mouth was still open from being about to yell out to the bartender, her finger was still on the button, her pint bottle was still in her hand, though oddly enough it was full again (happy days!), but as her insides dropped she had an urgent need to use the bathroom. She bolted for the jacks and was relieved to discover that her finger wasn’t still stuck to the jukebox. When she shakily emerged from the toilet, after probably one of the most satisfying movements of her life, she had a chance to take in the scene. It was the same, but somehow different. There was a new bartender, nothing strange there, maybe the other one had gone on a break. The auld bloke with the long bushy beard was still there. In fact she could swear that he was telling the exact same story as he had been when she walked in. No, there was something strange going on, she just couldn’t put her finger on it. She sucked back the Magners like it was her last drink on earth and as she drained the bottle she caught sight of herself in the mirror behind the bar. She had to admit, her hair was a wreck, but then something caught her eye or to be more accurate, something didn’t catch her eye. Selina looked around the room. Someone was after taking half the pictures off the wall!! It was dead eerie. Had someone robbed the place while she was in the jacks? No one seemed to have noticed. The auld fella was still yammering away and the bartender was still nodding politely. She ordered another Magners and she’d be fucked if it wasn’t $5 cheaper! Something was up here, but she may as well get a few in while the going was good, so she ordered 3 more and carried them to the table nearest to the jukebox. There was an Irish Echo on the table and she absentmindedly read the story on the front page. Bertie Ahern had just won government by forming a coalition. What the?! Wasn’t that gay fella the Taoiseach? She looked up at the date in the corner…June 2007! If she hadn’t  just relieved herself, she would’ve filled her pants right there. Okay Selina, slow the fuck down here. She gripped the table like she was holding on for dear life itself. Her pulse was racing. Had someone spiked her drink? She started to get really fucked off! Her brow furrowed and her neck went scarlet, but then she remembered the bartender flipping the top off the bottle and handing it to her. There was no way it had been spiked. She sucked back two more Magners in rapid succession. Selina walked up to the end of the bar and motioned the bartender over. She leaned across the bar and whispered in a hiss, “What fuckin’ year is it?” The bartender didn’t bat an eye, it was obviously not the dumbest or weirdest question she’d been asked that day. “2007,” came the reply. “Do you need a toastie to soak up the Magners?” “Nah, that’s fine, I already had one .”  “Well I haven’t sold one all day, but the customer’s always right!” She laughed and walked back to the auld fella.

The wheels were spinning pretty fucking fast as she walked back to her table. She glanced over at the jukebox. No!!?? Had the jukebox transported her to 2007? This was fucking great. Back to the fucking future boy! Selina grabbed her remaining Magners bottle and sauntered over to the jukebox. Righto jukey, let’s see what yee can do then, eh? Whatdayaknow, she still had some credit! She knew she could go back in time, so she decided to have a peak at the future. She pushed in 21-01. Her hand started disappearing inside the jukebox and Selina let out a, “Woohoo!”, but even that was swallowed by the jukebox. The same inside twisting, coloured light experience ensued and she opened her eyes to see the jukebox. She bolted for the jacks again, though she noticed that the air was thick and difficult to breathe. After another life changing bowel movement she staggered to the bar still feeling a little wobbly. The auld fella was gone and was replaced by some guy who looked like he was there to do some welding, with a full face mask on. He was sucking his beer through a straw protruding out from the mask. For that matter, the bartender walking towards her end of the bar was wearing similar sort of mask. “Are you mad? Have you no mask? Here, take this one, but make sure you return it when you go. It’s got a tracker on it, so don’t even bother trying.” The bartender shoved a mask at Selina, who was coughing and spluttering. She pulled on the mask and started to breathe normally. “What are ye drinking?” “Magners.” “Fine that’ll be $5000.” “What the fuck?” “Have you got the money or no?” “I’ve got a $50.” “Right, get out!” The bartender ripped the mask off Selina and a mechanical leg popped out from the wall and started to kick her in the arse. Fuck this for a joke. The future really sucked. She ran back to the jukebox,  choking on the fetid air and punched in the first numbers she could get her fingers to, with the mechanical foot pounding her arse.

17-06. She opened her eyes and saw a massive gum tree. Bush land surrounded her. Selina’s jaw dropped and she almost forgot that she needed to shite, but shite she did, dropping her work shorts where she stood. After a bit of improvised toilet paper from a paperbark tree, she started to take in her surroundings. It was beautiful indeed. She looked south and saw a massive lake where Flagstaff gardens had been….or would be. In the east, where Elizabeth Street would eventually be, a broad river flowed. The air was the cleanest she’d ever tasted. Without even a rustle of a leaf or a twig breaking, two first Australians, a girl and a man, emerged from the scrub wearing possum fur around their shoulders. The girl smiled at Selina. “Wominjeka yearmenn koondee-bik Wurundjeri-Ballak.” (Welcome to the land of the Wurundjeri.) But sure, Selina had no idea what she was saying. She smiled back. The man motioned for Selina to follow, so she walked with them through some dense bush till they reached the river bank. They caught an eel, built a fire and cooked it. What with all the shitting and time travel, Selina was fucking starving. She’d never eaten barbecued eel, but it was the best meal she’d ever consumed. They stretched out in the Winter sun and enjoyed their full bellies. She wanted to tell them about the oncoming invasion of white men, but had no way to do it, well not yet anyway.  She also couldn’t see a way back to 2013. Was this a dead end? As she watched an eagle glide up on the thermals, she decided that maybe this wouldn’t be a bad place to travel.

*The Sneaky Pint retrieved this story by using the jukebox. Gold coins are available from the bar.